Death is the filter, the true purification goes through it, when someone dies they take a part of us with into the grave, the part that is sewed us in life.
I lost many loved ones, I thought I wasn’t able to lose more, untill she died I knew that the final piece of my humanity was taken away, a hollow heart and a broken brain, to be precise a factory reset brain to the primal setting
I want revenge, yet I can’t take it in this state, an enraged animal, I must first step back on the thin line between beast and overman, I must rebuild myself first.
I took an oath, I will isolate myself with my mind, I will dive in that pit and restore the remains of myself and rebuild myself either by clay and order
Or by fire, brimstone and chaos
Either way it is a mystery, an empty domain I am going to, an empty space, I do not know what person will rise from this pit , will I crave vengeance or will I find peace, will I reforge myself or will I break it more?
This is the fun part
[9/4, 11:14 PM] M: After her death, I became alone, even myself I lost it with her, friends and family lost I got no one to inform about my oath, I quit my job, I can’t help people to express themselves, to reflect their inner self on their skin without figuring out who am I
The needle needs a steady hand a steady hand needs a focused mind, and I can’t focus with so many voices in my head.
Rebirth is an operation that takes three stages,
I don’t know where I stand, yet I know I am not in the third stage.
I sold all I had, my car, my apartment, my clothes, I sold her clothes, jewelry and her drawings.
A painful act yet I had to do it, or I thought I had to, with the money I have, I made a deposit in the bank, I rented a small studio, one room studio
The rent paid upfront, and paid more so after 3 months he will check on me
I stocked canned food
Nothing matters, I prepared for this moment and hear I start this journey
In the blindness of the eyes
In complete darkness
While looking though the abyss
The eye of the mind open
The internal world open
Through it I shall see light again
May the most wise win this conquest.
[9/4, 11:14 PM] M: I feel immensely bored, not that I want to do anything, I am just avoiding doing what I need to
This apartment seemd smaller after I payed the rent, the bathroom is so tight I feel that my thoughts are squashed in there, like a column above my head.
The canned food in the kitchen which technically speaking the kitchen /living/bedroom crammed in one place was on the ground, I have a can opener, a spoon and one torch electric oven and a pan
The one thing that I must do now, is pop some edibles, I say to myself that they will stimulate my imagination and help me face my thoughts yet I know that I am dodging the confrontation by a shallow of preparation.
I took half the edible
This edible isn’t working, I took the other half
I took another one
Maybe I need to workout
One push up
The second one
I can’t do more
I remember when I was an athlete in highschool
I used to have the body of Achilles, I admired the illiad back then, she used to read it with me, I miss you
Laying down on the white tiles never seemed more comfortable than this time
Maybe I will close my eyes for a second
I can hear music
More of drums and pipes
I must fight, the air, the air is the enemy
It is invisible, unseen, it is my lungs
I must suffocate the enemy, the air is available every where, the communists breath air, Hitler breathed air, air is evil
this is a rebellion, air is the fuel that keep humans alive from it comes evil thus I deem it evil
“I am not, I am just air”
“who speaks to me” I questioned
” I am the air you deemed evil”
Air speaks, Air is a spy
” I am not”
It can read my mind
Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think
Appels are red
” I am the product of your hallucination, I am your mind talking or the thoughts inside of it”
Interesting, then defend yourself, the council of one will define your fate
“after you stand before the shadows”
At the corner of my eyes they stand, I can’t look them directly, I can’t see them, I feel them, I can feel a rapid movement around me, I can see them standing, feel them around me
Those shadows are cowards
“bravery needs a body and you shadows don’t have a body”
I must show them
Primal animals show their teeth and their claws to threaten the enemy, they maintain eye contact to intimidate the enemy
I will take them to a date with my fishes
Sleep with the light, shadows
I opened my mouth and showed my teeth I started to growl, my clawed fingers attacking the air and I stared to the wall to keep them away
The wall is calling for me, I can see a face emerging from the wall, it is no more solid, like a thick liquid form emerges a marble face, it looks to mee with its white eyes, it moves slowly towards me uncovering the body, the statue is moving
It is Ceasar
I growl higher, I won’t feel fear, I growl even louder,
My deep voice is making my throat dry, I wonder if I can drink the wall
Ceasar walks closer, in this body, he is taller than I have imagined, a giant white body made from marble
He looks into my eyes, I can feel the gaze echoing through my soul
The deep voice of ceasar bring me to my knees
“the glory of Rome waits no one, follow me centurion” and he walked through the wall
Ceasar don’t leave
I will follow you
My knees are weak, yet Rome is near, the glory is yet to make, I must follow ceasar, I crawled toward the wall, I am dragging those legs if they won’t carry me I will make three m obey me.
The March of the soldiers is the music to my ears
They follow the d age rand make it disappear
There is no horizon in front of rome
Rome is the horizon that marks a new dawn
There is no sky above the eagle, the eagle marks the heights
My soldiers follow me through rain and deserts
There is no fear inside of us, we carry and throw it into our enemies
There is no disorder, we make it into their lines
And now we have to mark a new victory, the conquest waits for no one
We fight the unicorns riders, ceasar told me about his long war against the unicorn riders as we walk through nothingness, I can see the marble face of ceasar looking through me, there is no voice, his voice is in my head and he speaks through me
Ceasar drew his sword and cut the fabric of this darkness, a great fracture from light entered
“widen the gape” he commands, he held the left part and I held the right, we pulled it to opposite direction, the sound of cracks broke the silence, the harder we pulled it cracked more.
Ceasar stopped and drew his sword, he looked into me, ” are you ready?”
I wondered ready for what, he stabs the ground with his sword, the cracks become more visible, like a spider net where the center is Ceasars sword, now I can see
This is a sphere
The sphere broke down and we fell with the ruins
My heart beat accelerated, ceasar voice in my head advised, brace for impact and go deeper
As I started tilting my head towards him, I felt the hard break though the ocean surface
Go deeper, I comblied, I tried swimming but my arms didn’t move, maybe I should take a breath, I inhaled, and inhaled, I kept swallowing the water untill the ocean dried out.
“creative” he commented
We are on hard land, an empty one with no end
Ceasar stood with pride and looked toward the skies, I knew what will happen, he will lecture me
” gods created the world on their image, thier vanity made them create a weaker race to feel their strength, yet humans competed against gods, we reshaped the world on our incomplete image, embedding our mortality with it, thus civilization crumble and die similar to a human life, by our image we create and by it, it dies
Now you can do the same here, in this empty space
You can create whatever you want”
I asked ” where exactly am I? Where are the unicorn riders? What is happening?”
“I will tell you and I am sure that you will forget, bury those words because you will need them,
We are, you are in your mind, this space is your mind, you are the abyss looking at itself, I am the projection of your need for a role model, a guide, everything here is you, what you will go through is already decided because you are the only one here”
“if you are my mind, can’t you make it simpler or easier”
He looked to me in confusion ” your mind never go easy, no mind is easy, don’t be lazy”
“so back to the point, I can create anything, and I can do anything, and by that I can control you”
” first, as long as you remember the reality of this place, as long as you keep in contact with the essence of this journey, you control it, if you forget or get too deep in it, you will follow this place rules” you explained
“second, you control me, I am what you need, yes you can divert my essential importance and use this shell, but I will reappear in another form.”
I took a breath and tried to grasp what he said
” you can’t grasp it, you must accept it, I am your mind, this is your mind, you already know everything, just this form is in random because you lost control, you got out of the flow, you drowned and crumbled” he said in anger while approaching me, looking down, the height difference made me look like a midget.
” the height difference is a projection for your feeling of inferiority, wake up” he said, while his height becomes taller
“wake up” he shouted.
Hell of a dream I thought
Iw as laying on the ground, I got up and drank some water, I was thinking what dream?
” ahh, now I forgot” I know it imwas exciting, but I can’t remember it.
I will just have breakfast and continue my journey.
There is a ticking sound, coming for the clock, this sound makes me so angry, I want to break this clock.
I see it on the wall, I need no indication, time is an illusion, I throw the cup in my hand at it, the glass layer cracked, yeth the closk stays functional.
Now I can hear the drops coming down from the sink
Those small sounds, the sound in the back of my head is disturbed, I can’t hear myself.
Should I stop it, or ignore it
I will try some meditation, I am too bored
And it’s too early for edibles.
What makes a dream important or not imortant
What is truly devastating more than I have nothing to do, that I have more time to face my thoughts
I remember her smile, is she really dead, how can she be dead if she is in my mind
When the cloud of random thoughts disperse, I will remember that fac ein my dreams, I am sure but I don’t know how
My hands went into my pocket where the edible sit, should I take it again, or shouldn’t wasn’t the problem, do I want to or not is the case
I took a full piece in one bite
I will wait for it to hit
Maybe I will relax and close my eyes.
The rain fall upon us from heavens, the ashe sin the sky blind us, yet the flame eating Rome guide us
Ceasar stood in pride above us, standing on this air
He looked at me
” finally you are here”
Indeed I was, but I ask myself where was I before?
The world starts to blur, ceasar fell from his place, and rushed into me, ” good you are aware that you are in a dream, own it do not lose, stay in don’t go out”
His words baffled me, I felt my forehead ache, I struggled to keep the construct of the world stable, the world fell down, ceasar and I float into empty space
Ceasar aked me ” do you know who am I now?”
” you are ceasar”
” I am the metaphorical representative of your mind, every question, thought and conflictwithin you will be presented in this state to be resolved, you are the architect of this place, yet you need your locked part of your mind, so untill you grasp that power I am here”
” so I can do what I want?”
“yes and no…
In face movement i drew a knife from thin air and I stabbed Ceasar in the back
” you stabbed me? ”
Change ceasar voice to Robert Downey Jr voice
I thought and it happened
” don’t do that, you must concentrate on your journey”
“oh I thought I do what I wnat”
” just wake up and get back later”
” I will make you do it”
Ceasr moved forward, the knife still in his back, he pushed me down, waking me up.